I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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