well I can't set my house on fire every night
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just found puke in my bra..
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
