if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
