i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
