speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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