She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
