i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Is it because I queefed?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
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