I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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