I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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