My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
