he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
