I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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