you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
