when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
