Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize