Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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