Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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