I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
