apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
