Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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