Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
