I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
