I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
