I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
