oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
