I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
