next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
