I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
