very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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