I'm lost and stupid without you.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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