My liver just broke up with me...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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