Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
