walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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