Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize