i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
