I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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