I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
