I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
