Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
