a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
