Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
