this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
