the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
