hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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