mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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