belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She needs sedatives and a leash
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
