Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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