someone threw a dead crab at me
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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