Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
