She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
