Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
