fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sext me about skeletons
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
