I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
