You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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