You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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