If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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