Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He felt like a one man threesome
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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