So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
