R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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