i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
