youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize