my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
