the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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