Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
im having a threesome with these popsicles
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
