it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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